escaperoutetonowhere

All these feelings that will never be reciprocated

We argued today

We argued today. You cursed at me, I swore at you. I said that you should leave, never come back and that I hated you. You froze. I froze. I turned away, not wanting to know what happened next. I heard you sniffle, then shuffle away. The toilet door slammed. Another sniffle. I know exactly what is happening to you, and I feel dreadful – you will be curled up on the floor, hot tears streaming down your face as you try to fix your broken heart, your broken heart that was smashed by me. I hear you crying, as silent tears incessantly drip from my chin. drip. drip. drip. I shudder, trying to stop myself from falling apart. How could I do such a thing. You have a fragile heart, I need to protect you, like I promised you I would. I need to see you smile again. I need to stop hearing your heart break into smaller and smaller pieces. I want to take all my words back, but I can’t, so maybe I will settle for begging for your forgiveness.

I awkwardly stand by the door, hand lifted mid-air, wondering how to approach the subject. 1, 2, 3, *knock* *knock* *knock* “Babe, I’m so sorry, please please let me in, please.” Silence. With a hammering heart, I try the door. It’s unlocked. You were curled up by the bathtub, back facing me, head tilted down. A sob is caught in my throat. You were so painfully beautiful, how did I deserve you.

You sat up and faced me, red-rimmed eyes casted to the ground. Your normally twinkling blue eyes were a stormy grey, storm clouds raging and clashing inside. My heart clench at how helpless I felt, and knowing that it was me who caused you all the pain made it worse. a sniffle. I rushed forwards and gathered you in my arms, all the while trying to pick up the pieces scattered on the floor. This is too easy, I thought. The apology is the easy part, piecing your broken heart and glueing them back together is the hard part. But I will try my hardest.

We argued today. I broke your heart, and I will fix it up.

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Continue to fight for me, please

I looked to you as I walked away, not knowing when we will see each other again. The last few moments of my life are replaying, from the way your sweet breath washed over my cheek when you wished me good luck, to the way your body felt so right with mine when you hugged me. All good things must come to an end, and perfectly sculpted arms are no longer wrapped around me anymore. I won’t have anybody to snuggle with at night, nobody I can steal kisses from. Nobody, NOBODY can ever smell and look as perfect as you. I will have to fight for myself now, the way you fought for me, for us. Just know, my love, that I will continue fighting for us, and soon, we will be together again. Stay safe my love, and know that I will love you, always.

Daily Prompt: Simply the Best

When and where do you do your best thinking? In the bathroom? While running? Just before bed, or first thing in the morning? On the bus?

I tend to think the best at night, when I am on my bed, about to fall asleep. As a child, I used to lie on my bed and wish for many things that I knew would never happen to me, like gain a superpower, or have a sibling. It is on my bed that I bring up good memories, sad memories, even memories that I do not want to have. Thinking on the bed when it is close to midnight helps to clear my mind. I hide myself behind a mask, a very happy and cheery mask for that matter, even though I would kill to be the person I am inside. So every night before I fall asleep, I let walls come down even if it is for a few minutes, before I collect myself and build the walls back up again, with a fort and all. It is when I am in my bed, that I am able to think the best.

You

You know how much I love you. From the brightness of your eyes when you see something you like, to the small dimple whenever you smile. When you get nervous you start biting the lovely pink lips you have and when you get upset your cute button nose crinkles up. People always call me whipped, but I think I do all of the weirdest things for you only because I love you so much I can die for you – this is how much I love you. Your voice is melodious, your face is angelic, and your pout is so perfect I bet the president would do anything for you. Your skin is softer than the softest of silk, I adore tracing patterns on your back when I wait for you to fall asleep. Your hair just falls in place without you having to use worthless hair products. You smell like your perfume you plus a hint of cinnamon (Sometimes when you can’t stay with me for a few days I steal your perfume when you are packing your bag so when it’s time to sleep I spray some on my pillow to help me sleep better) When I kiss you, you taste like cherries from the lipgloss you use- you hate using vaseline because you say it make your lips really dry. Your eyes are the gentlest of the grey, with specks of blue in them. When I look at your eyes I feel like I am staring at the see. When you are happy, your eyes are a calm ocean. When you get upset or frustrated, it becomes a stormy sea. It is really obvious when you get turned on because your soft grey eyes turn a few shades darker. And when you get irritated, jealous, it turns into ice, cold and it bores straight into your soul. I will walk a million miles to find the thing that you want, because it will be all worth it just to see you smile. I love the smile you reserve just for me. I love the way you look at me when we are cuddling on the bed about to sleep. I love the way the say my name when you are dreaming. I love the way cling on to me when you are sick or sleepy. Most of all, I love the way you love me, and I hope that you will also love the way I love you too. Because, me without you is like a tuxedo without a bowtie, a nerd without braces, asentencewithoutspacing, or a baby without his pacifier- I’ll be lost without you.

People Say

People say love is an instinct, like feeling scared. I was never a scared child, never feared ghosts nor monsters in my closet. I could look under my bed completely sure that there were no skeletons or vampires. I could stand up to people twice my age and size in school, secure that they would not steal my lunch. And it has always been like that… …knowing I could grab hold of a magnum and run into an alley in the middle of a crossfire, because that is not what makes me afraid. What really makes me afraid is to commit for the rest of my life, to kiss on the same couch for eternity. And suddenly, all that terror, becomes the rush of a roller coaster speeding down an incline. And that’s true happiness. You are my true happiness. And it is because of you, that I found my instinct, and people say love is an instinct.

Wicked Witch

Wicked Witch

I do not understand evil, nor do I advocate evil. But I try to understand it, I try to eradicate it. I think, that evil is causing pain on others. Evil is the self-loathe moment in time when you feel nothing will go right. Evil is the filth living at the bottom of your heart, polluting the warm muscle with black like tar. Evil is the broken pieces of your soul when you try to piece them back together. Evil is not death, evil is the monster that takes away the peace of death. Evil is the infinite black mist in people’s soul. This black mist will evolve, mutate, conform until it erupts, and that is when serial killers, rapists, sadists are created.  Evil is sickness. Evil is sadness. Evil is everything that should not be. I do not understand evil, but I try to live with evil, for evil is part of our daily lives and it will stay on.

 

I wrote this ages ago, hoping that one day I will reach the point where I can safely show this to the world, and now I know it will never happen. Thus, I am showing it now, for perhaps someone can feel the way I feel

Anything

I can be anything.

I can be the smartest person to have ever graced the earth,

I can be the fastest person who stepped foot on this planet,

I can be the strongest person to ever lift anything from this land,

I can be the bravest person anybody has ever seen,

I can be the happiest person who nobody can bring down, but

I can only be anything if I start being yours. With you,

I can be anything.

Company

Today you sat next to me. I could almost feel the soft skin of your arm, almost feel the warmth you were producing. I managed to make you laugh, and it was the best thing I have ever heard, it was like music for sunshine. You brushed your hand past mine when you grabbed your drink and I am not ashamed to say that I wanted more. We sat next to each other, and I tried my best to keep you smiling. We sat next to each other, and I tried to keep the conversation going. We sat next to each other, and I tried to keep you here with me as long as possible.

A ramble of nothingness

The point is to be strong. To be who you are. Because no matter who you are, or what you do, someday, somehow, there will be a person who will love you endlessly, regardless of anything.

People say that they want to be in a “perfect marriage”, because they think that it is the marriage that makes them so loving. But you know what? I think that sure, marriage does bring people closer, but I think that marriage is just a legal binding of two people together. It is technical. Whereas our unconditional love for others is not. We, as humans, inserted love into this unfeeling equation. We are the people who made marriage blissful.

Love blinds us all, but I’d rather be blinded by it for a moment than not experience it at all.

You should be kissed often

“No, I don’t think I will kiss you, although you need kissing, badly. That’s what’s wrong with you. You should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how.”

– Gone with the Wind

When you love somebody, they deserve your full attention. They deserve every kiss, touch, hug, everything from you. What they do not deserve is any hurt you cause them. Loving means you love the person regardless of their flaws, regardless of their negative side, because they will, and hopefully always will be, perfectly flawed to you.